November. 500 words. 1 mile. And gratefulness.

Okay. Okay. I can do this. I always have heaps in my head I want to write about and now I have a full month dedicated to writing 500 words a day. November is National Novel Writing Month, and doubles as a non-profit dedicated to inspiring novelists in today's world and giving some direction to help people achieve their goals in 31 days. I'm not here to write a novel, but am using this to hold me accountable because I say, "Ohhh, how I wish I wrote as much as I used to" so many times, that I'm getting tired of hearing it. So, onward!

But, I want to make this beneficial! And productive. It's hard to draw the line because I used to do an exercise as part of The Artists Way called 3 pages, where you sit in the morning, first thing, even before brushing your teeth and you write a non-stop, uninhibited stream of consciousness. There is no stopping or editing your text as you go and it's quite liberating. So, I naturally go to that form but I realize this is no place for that format. You know how many people I would probably piss off, offend, disappoint or irritate? Yeesh. Last thing I want is that on my conscious. And besides, isn't the point of this to portray only the picture I want you to have of me in your head? Not brutal honest! Come on!

:)

But, I do have 1,200 more words to go, so we may eventually get there. Because it's 3 November and this is a 500 words a day kind of thing, and I haven't written a single one, I have a lot of catching up to do.

Okay, okay, okay. I know. There are so many people with waaaaay busier lives, full of kids, school events, errands, etc. but hey!, this life that I have is enough for me and yes! This whole writing business cuts into my Frasier time, fetch time, talk about life time and whatever else time I feel the need to enjoy. Have you met Adam?! Anyway, it's a busy life! Which brings me to a topic I that has been stewing...

TIME. Where the hell did it all go? I know that we have the same amount of minutes a day as Beyonce and my 25 year old self, but holy crap, I swear, it feels like half. Fair enough that between the 2 hours commuting and being at work for 9.5+ a day, it really adds up, but it just seems like there isn't much left in the end which causes us to squeeze every second out of the weekends. Sure makes those moments that much sweeter!

Are you guys experiencing this?! Not the sweet, potentially make single people want to barf moments, but the I have no time to do anything I wanted to do today and I really feel like I kicked today's ass! What gives?!

I have some girlfriends who pretty much are winning at life between raising kids, running, working and keeping up with their families. I applaud you. And am in awe of you. A job well done! I am beginning to think I do not possess that super power. I think mine may be navigating an unknown country with limited amount of money, or speaking Falcorian, or Adam for that matter :) Perhaps its nailing a french recipe for the first time (that happened!) or nailing that new workout, PT move, dance move, restaurant pick, book recommendation. I'm still holding out for remodeling a home and landscaping the lot to perfection. Gardens, plumbing, painting and mowing the yard sound preeeeettty nice.

Distracted. TIME. It seems it went away as the responsibilities piled on. Real insightful, I know, but why didn't we see this coming? I don't own a home or have the kids and it was implied when we were younger, those were the things that took time out of your perfectly normal schedule otherwise. Bull shit. I have been at Brooks for almost 7 months now, and I'm finally just feeling like I can see straight and accomplish something with my day instead of just drowning in uncertainty and an ever-growing list of tasks.

I guess if you pile on all the personal stuff our household has been going through over the past few months, it may start to make sense. We like to go big or go home. I'm happy to be signed up on this party train, but it leaves no rest for the weary. Except on those perfect lazy Sunday's we have been able to sneak in where I'm reminded of how wonderful life can be. That there doesn't have to be some psycho agenda where you Carpe Diem the crap out of every minute or else you suck. At least that's how I was led to feel and my goodness, I'm glad that drowning anxiety is over with. I was a person who excelled at relishing in the moment, appreciating the present and then someone laced me with guilt because I wasn't doing enough. Which made me only want to do less. But then I didn't like myself because where did that girl who always loved doing all the things go?! Cue vicious cycle. You guys, I had some of (hopefully) the worst years of my life and I didn't even know it. It's a shame, but I am forever grateful that I am here now. I also welcome the day when I can reflect and smile as opposed to reflecting and feeling sadness.

That time is past and I am thankful for that. It ran it's course and I'm a better person for it. I say HOOAH! for pushing forth and never settling. I say NEVER SURRENDER! I say, you are who you are for a damn good reason and you deserve what you desire from life and the things that make you you are unique and special. They're wonderful! And a person deserves to fall asleep at night with a smile on their face feeling valued and loved, be it by themselves, the Jesus or another human of this planet. You deserve it. If you're not feeling it, have a good hard look at the person you are. Make some changes. Pursue true goodness. And really, just. keep. going.

We all go through shit. The important thing to remember is to keep on going until you get through the shit.

In this case, shit means 500 words. Thankfully it's not a terrible relationship that had me feeling like a worthless, ass tard. I guess that shit was there to teach me it wasn't normal. It had to get real bad before my stubborn self said "Uncle!". And you know what, the moment I did, that I acknowledged to the universe that I was on the same page as it, my world opened. The skies may as well have parted and Forest Gump's little feather should have landed between my feet. It hasn't stopped since either. How can this sustain itself when the sand is dripping out of the hourglass at such an alarming rate?! :) Who cares! THIS is a train ride I am hanging on to for dear life! It's so stinking good. So good. I look around at other people and think "Wait, you guys have been experiencing this all along?! You lucky bastards, no wonder you look so happy! Life is a freaking dream boat over here!"

But you guys, for all this complaining I just spewed, I wouldn't change it for the world. Nope. Not at all. Not. at. all. We're just beginning I say. We all have a nice amount of TIME under our belts, but think about how much we have ahead of us. I feel like I am just finding my groove. And like most battles or challenges, the harder it is the greater the reward. And even if, EVEN IF, what I have right now is my reward, I would die a happy lady. I am only a couple months away from turning 30 and I can hardly sleep I'm so excited.

I am six days away from knowing Adam Brown for 365 days and it's sickening how giddy I am!

I am turning 30!

Was I complaining about how fast time was going earlier? Who said that? Who was that? Guys, bring it on. Never stop. Keep dreaming. Keep fighting. But most of all keep believing. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. Believe in your capabilities and your desires. You have what it takes and like you have heard it a million times before...

If you could see the size of the blessing coming, you would understand the magnitude of the battle you are fighting.

Keep going. And if you get tired, call me :)