Thank you, Fuck Jerry.

Reference: Fuck Jerry

Julia Child, How Dare You!

This past weekend I went up to Metropolitan Market to pick up some ingredients and splurge on a 10 inch cast iron casserole dish that appears in 80% of Julia Child’s recipes. It was an awesome morning, Adam had brewed a pot of coffee and I drooled over recipes before settling on a chicken, mushroom cream entrée of some kind. I have been spending a fair amount of time reading the Joy of Cooking and when I realized that this pan was called for in so many dishes I thought, okay, I’ll do it. I’ll do it! And it was a good excuse to go in one of the most beautiful grocery stores I have ever laid eyes on. It’s closer to our home than Safeway and it makes me wish I hated money so I could go there any time that I needed something. They have this section you can see from the street that’s full of kitchen accessories, so I knew that this amazing French dish had to be sold in there.

Oh, and it was.

For $180.

Total bummer. I stood there holding on to my Adam-brewed coffee, dawning my favorite Patagucci vest, and considered adding it to my cart for good. I think I put it in and took it back out at least three times. I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t! I still wipe the single tear. I knew it was going to be expensive, but I wasn’t prepared to drop $200 on Sunday before 9 a.m.! Yikes. So, le sigh, I texted Adam with my sad news, grabbed us a scraper for our cast iron and settled on a hand held blender from Cuisinart.  

Which I made Buttercup soup with tonight and it was the shiz!!!

After the mature, money-saving decision was made, I continued on for another hour wandering the isles of this glorious store that has everything I have ever loved about markets and food. After a couple of cards, some yummy produce, Ginger Beer, and a couple other pieces later I may have well as spent the $200 on the pan J.

As the clerk and I giggle and exchange friendlies over the register, she grabs my Cuisinart and says to me “Oh! Have you ever had one of these before? I love mine! I use it for everything!” We continue on gabbing about all the uses it has and how I’m excited for my first and have been eyeing one for ages! She explains how it made a great wedding gift for her and again explains how much she loves it. Awesome! I decide to confess I came in for the cast iron but couldn’t pull the trigger. Now, I don’t blame her for what’s next, in fact I somewhat envy her (!), I’m merely here to tell my side of the story. She replies to me “Also a great wedding gift! We love ours and…” blah, blah list of all other wonderful kitchen accessories that anyone would love to have that came to her "for free when she got married".  You know, and “someday I can ask for it to?” Her smile was delightful. This girl truly treasured her gifts and I can’t say that I didn’t blame her!

Yes. YES! Yes, I am jealous of all you ladies with your nice things. Maybe because I think I have been to no less than 25+ weddings since I graduated college, with 8 in one summer alone. Total that up. No, don’t. Between plane tickets and hotels, don’t. Because that’s not fair to those wonderful weddings, those beautiful moments and the special memories it created. I am beyond happy and grateful to have not only been asked to be in attendance but to witness the confession of love.  I suppose I’m just stomping my foot a little bit. Over a stupid pan. But if you saw the pan, you would understand! You can cook ANYTHING in it. ANYTHING! It goes on the stove top, in the oven, in the fridge and back around again. A person would have one till the death and then it would only get passed on to their grandchildren. How freaking rad is that?!

The majority of my friends have been married for years. Some are on their second, third or even fourth child. Don’t get me wrong – I’m happier than heck and love where I’m at in life. But how fucking awesome that you guys have all got to go to the store, scan some items, and get it after the happiest day of your life. Everything in my kitchen outside the apron my wonderful mother made me for Christmas, and the cupcake stand from Melinda, is either a hand-me-down or purchased on my own. I don’t mind it, I appreciate things even more. But dammit how nice to have that cast iron pan in my life all because I got married. Until then, you can rest assured I’ll use that little Cuisinart until it’s dead. And I welcome the day that happens. I shall dip it in bronze and place it on the shelf – the first of many. All you other kitchen appliances, BEWARE. I look forward to the years of recipe domination ahead of me!

To all you lucky ladies out there, good on ya J Enjoy those kitchens and linens! I get it! However, oddly enough, I don’t know if I’ll ever do the registry thing. Who knows what the future holds. Yes, I want to be bonded to a man for the rest of my life and I have the vision of dying hand in hand entering the next life together with a whole new set of adventures ahead of us. I believe in soul mates and the reason I have never  had a childhood best friend because I was saving that space for someone special. Yes, I believe that’s in my future, but for the sake of my $180 pan rant, let one thing shine above the rest, my finger may still be naked but damn if it doesn’t look good naked.

Don't judge me for this one. Or do.

As I walked out of the gym today and across the lobby on my way up the stairs back to my desk, I passed by a woman I have seen around the office many times, but today it sucked. 

There she was coming down the stairs at a fairly slow pace, wrapped in her floor length parka and holding on to a cane. She has never had a cane before and didn't typically walk this tenderly. Enter thought process "Aw, bummer deal, she must have had an injury." Right-o my good, Watson and/or thank you Captain Obvious. As the glass door opened between us I was readying myself to offer my sympathies and perhaps inquire as to what happened - she looked like she needed a friend. What I was greeted with was nothing short of a scowl and look of disapproval. What she saw was a skinny, fresh from the gym, high on life, in-shape girl. 

What she didn't see was the injured, pained sad person who is struggling to even get to the gym, let alone put on a pair of running shoes, because when she does she's faced with the depression that all she can pretty much do is push-ups and dead-bugs. 

She is me, yo. And it sucks. It sucks not only because I am so incredibly limited in my mobility and am uncomfortable 99% of the day unless I'm lying flat on the hard ground, but because I appear to feel fine! Why wouldn't I be skipping around and happy? Yes, yes, it's beyond a blessing that I have skinny legs and a peppy personality (aw, look how fit I am! I love endorphin's!), but what about the fucked up back that comes with it? You know, the one that makes you wince when you move the wrong way? What about the searing chest pain that keeps me from breathing a full breath? Has me getting x-rays before a doctor will TOUCH me? What about the shooting, hot pain that generates somewhere in my butt and travels all the way down my leg to my third and fourth toe to the point where when I get up from sitting, I can't put my foot fully on the ground. And not on bad days. This shit is the constant normal.

Even as I stand at my oh-so-awesome standing desk that's more bad ass than I ever thought I would get to have, I feel like throwing up. But you can't. You just have an awkward feeling in your stomach where you feel like someone is just constantly either standing on your tummy or punching you in the gut. 

I have talked to people who have these same issues, pains, discomforts, injuries and we all feel the same way. IT BLOWS. You appear happy, healthy, fit and blessed. But dammit. It hurts. 

However, I can walk. I have legs. I have feet. I have nice shoes on my feet! I have a PT office down the street and insurance plan that pays for most of it! It sounds like I'm just an angry, dissatisfied, impossible to please, unappreciative skinny chick. But I'm just pointing out you never know what struggle someone is fighting.

Back pain, sciatic pain, core weakness are real issues. Bad posture is sometimes not necessarily someone's fault and it takes a lot of maintenance and work to correct and sustain. I have a healthy as a horse cousin who went through a lot of this stuff. He had it worse than me and spent probably close to 10 years battling through it. His lead to knee surgery and specialists and missing out on the life he had planned. My PT has the same issue. She's a physical therapist and chiropractor and STILL has the problem. Mr. Taylor is also in the club. All of these individuals appear happy and healthy (little to no body fat, generally active, adventurous, happy), and all are hurting in some fashion. 

We are all happy to be who we are. I don't mean to complain. I'm sharing my story because the way that people will sometimes look at me, cuts me deep and makes me want to scream and cry. They don't understand. They judge and think you don't understand their issues. It hurts even more when you approach someone open armed and their response is something like, how would you know, you don't have any health problems. 

Be kind, people. I went from running half marathons because why-not, I have nothing else to do tomorrow, to attempting to move my feet in a quick pattern that is supposed to feel like jogging but after 200 yards of it I stop because I don't know how to make my body work properly. I scoot around the house in the mornings with small movements and feel Adam's eyes on me because, well, it's sad. And you feel like a loser. All you want to do is bop around like your being loves to do. 

Sooooooo, you put on your shoes. You go to the gym. You lay on the ground and do dead-bugs and remind yourself you've gotten out of this place before. You can do it again. 

If you or anyone you know suffers from any kind of back pain, feel free and please, send them my way. Between me and my cousin we have several thousands of dollars invested in understanding and conquering the issue, and I'm happy to share any tips and/or advice they're willing to take. I have heaps of exercises and treatments and am a full believer in recovery vs surgery. It's a lot of work, but it's worth it. 

Happy squirrel exercising his beautifully strong core! Go, Jimbo!

A Tuesday Night Provided by Frasier.

Ice Cream Edition

When life gets you down, the way I see it, you have two roads to choose from. You either face it head on or sit down on the curb and cry for some ice cream. The problem I have found myself in is that I convince myself into facing it head-on because that’s the noble thing (and sometimes only option), when really all I want is to sit on the curb and have some ice cream. But, what happens is you get sad sitting on the curb with your ice cream when you don’t have anyone to sit with. So, instead of feeling sorry for yourself on two accounts, you chin up and carry on with it. Which truly works fine for the time being - I quite like it! But then a few months pass by and those feelings you ran through, quite literally, come creeping back when you’re supposed to have moved on. And now you really don’t have anyone to connect with on the matter, because the rest of the people in your life not only assume you’re past it, but they’ll wonder what’s wrong with you when they find out you’re still hung up on it.

The thought I must interject here – THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST MISERABLE, ALIENATING, LONESOME FEELINGS YOU COULD EVER EXPERIENCE.

So what do you do now? Process what’s left unanswered inside of you. Hold nothing back. What you’re feelng is just and must come out some time! Perhaps your grieving period, yep, we’re calling it that, comes later than others. We all know that each of us process grief differently. The important thing to remember and I cannot emphasize this enough, is if you know someone who is going through a traumatic time, put nothing on them. Because the process has begun much later than you would expect, doesn’t mean that it’s any different than had it started the day of or after the moment of trauma. However, none of this self loathing or unwillingness to move on business. Come on now – you’re alive, and you only have one of these, so make the most of it. In that same vein where I believe a person should feel their grief to it’s full extent, we also must feel  and experience our life’s potential and opportunity for joy! Man, I am no expert on the subject so I feel like I should quit while I’m ahead. I’m only speaking from experience up to this point but hopefully someday I’ll be better able to advise on the remainder of this part. Hang in there and hold their hand and remind them of what’s important in life and what’s to come. They won’t be able to see that because their lost in their own emotional mess. We, they, need you to sit by their side and provide nudges of motivation, hope and direction for someone who cannot see.

Erin Kells. Janelle Axtell. Adam Brown. I thank you.

November. 500 words. 1 mile. And gratefulness.

Okay. Okay. I can do this. I always have heaps in my head I want to write about and now I have a full month dedicated to writing 500 words a day. November is National Novel Writing Month, and doubles as a non-profit dedicated to inspiring novelists in today's world and giving some direction to help people achieve their goals in 31 days. I'm not here to write a novel, but am using this to hold me accountable because I say, "Ohhh, how I wish I wrote as much as I used to" so many times, that I'm getting tired of hearing it. So, onward!

But, I want to make this beneficial! And productive. It's hard to draw the line because I used to do an exercise as part of The Artists Way called 3 pages, where you sit in the morning, first thing, even before brushing your teeth and you write a non-stop, uninhibited stream of consciousness. There is no stopping or editing your text as you go and it's quite liberating. So, I naturally go to that form but I realize this is no place for that format. You know how many people I would probably piss off, offend, disappoint or irritate? Yeesh. Last thing I want is that on my conscious. And besides, isn't the point of this to portray only the picture I want you to have of me in your head? Not brutal honest! Come on!

:)

But, I do have 1,200 more words to go, so we may eventually get there. Because it's 3 November and this is a 500 words a day kind of thing, and I haven't written a single one, I have a lot of catching up to do.

Okay, okay, okay. I know. There are so many people with waaaaay busier lives, full of kids, school events, errands, etc. but hey!, this life that I have is enough for me and yes! This whole writing business cuts into my Frasier time, fetch time, talk about life time and whatever else time I feel the need to enjoy. Have you met Adam?! Anyway, it's a busy life! Which brings me to a topic I that has been stewing...

TIME. Where the hell did it all go? I know that we have the same amount of minutes a day as Beyonce and my 25 year old self, but holy crap, I swear, it feels like half. Fair enough that between the 2 hours commuting and being at work for 9.5+ a day, it really adds up, but it just seems like there isn't much left in the end which causes us to squeeze every second out of the weekends. Sure makes those moments that much sweeter!

Are you guys experiencing this?! Not the sweet, potentially make single people want to barf moments, but the I have no time to do anything I wanted to do today and I really feel like I kicked today's ass! What gives?!

I have some girlfriends who pretty much are winning at life between raising kids, running, working and keeping up with their families. I applaud you. And am in awe of you. A job well done! I am beginning to think I do not possess that super power. I think mine may be navigating an unknown country with limited amount of money, or speaking Falcorian, or Adam for that matter :) Perhaps its nailing a french recipe for the first time (that happened!) or nailing that new workout, PT move, dance move, restaurant pick, book recommendation. I'm still holding out for remodeling a home and landscaping the lot to perfection. Gardens, plumbing, painting and mowing the yard sound preeeeettty nice.

Distracted. TIME. It seems it went away as the responsibilities piled on. Real insightful, I know, but why didn't we see this coming? I don't own a home or have the kids and it was implied when we were younger, those were the things that took time out of your perfectly normal schedule otherwise. Bull shit. I have been at Brooks for almost 7 months now, and I'm finally just feeling like I can see straight and accomplish something with my day instead of just drowning in uncertainty and an ever-growing list of tasks.

I guess if you pile on all the personal stuff our household has been going through over the past few months, it may start to make sense. We like to go big or go home. I'm happy to be signed up on this party train, but it leaves no rest for the weary. Except on those perfect lazy Sunday's we have been able to sneak in where I'm reminded of how wonderful life can be. That there doesn't have to be some psycho agenda where you Carpe Diem the crap out of every minute or else you suck. At least that's how I was led to feel and my goodness, I'm glad that drowning anxiety is over with. I was a person who excelled at relishing in the moment, appreciating the present and then someone laced me with guilt because I wasn't doing enough. Which made me only want to do less. But then I didn't like myself because where did that girl who always loved doing all the things go?! Cue vicious cycle. You guys, I had some of (hopefully) the worst years of my life and I didn't even know it. It's a shame, but I am forever grateful that I am here now. I also welcome the day when I can reflect and smile as opposed to reflecting and feeling sadness.

That time is past and I am thankful for that. It ran it's course and I'm a better person for it. I say HOOAH! for pushing forth and never settling. I say NEVER SURRENDER! I say, you are who you are for a damn good reason and you deserve what you desire from life and the things that make you you are unique and special. They're wonderful! And a person deserves to fall asleep at night with a smile on their face feeling valued and loved, be it by themselves, the Jesus or another human of this planet. You deserve it. If you're not feeling it, have a good hard look at the person you are. Make some changes. Pursue true goodness. And really, just. keep. going.

We all go through shit. The important thing to remember is to keep on going until you get through the shit.

In this case, shit means 500 words. Thankfully it's not a terrible relationship that had me feeling like a worthless, ass tard. I guess that shit was there to teach me it wasn't normal. It had to get real bad before my stubborn self said "Uncle!". And you know what, the moment I did, that I acknowledged to the universe that I was on the same page as it, my world opened. The skies may as well have parted and Forest Gump's little feather should have landed between my feet. It hasn't stopped since either. How can this sustain itself when the sand is dripping out of the hourglass at such an alarming rate?! :) Who cares! THIS is a train ride I am hanging on to for dear life! It's so stinking good. So good. I look around at other people and think "Wait, you guys have been experiencing this all along?! You lucky bastards, no wonder you look so happy! Life is a freaking dream boat over here!"

But you guys, for all this complaining I just spewed, I wouldn't change it for the world. Nope. Not at all. Not. at. all. We're just beginning I say. We all have a nice amount of TIME under our belts, but think about how much we have ahead of us. I feel like I am just finding my groove. And like most battles or challenges, the harder it is the greater the reward. And even if, EVEN IF, what I have right now is my reward, I would die a happy lady. I am only a couple months away from turning 30 and I can hardly sleep I'm so excited.

I am six days away from knowing Adam Brown for 365 days and it's sickening how giddy I am!

I am turning 30!

Was I complaining about how fast time was going earlier? Who said that? Who was that? Guys, bring it on. Never stop. Keep dreaming. Keep fighting. But most of all keep believing. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. Believe in your capabilities and your desires. You have what it takes and like you have heard it a million times before...

If you could see the size of the blessing coming, you would understand the magnitude of the battle you are fighting.

Keep going. And if you get tired, call me :)