yikes homies.

You know what I’d like to know? Who the hell got under MY skin and started making me second guess all the things that I am?! The things I like to do, the things I listen to, the way I dance, the stuff that hangs on my walls, the clothes I wear, the way I talk, the food I eat, when I eat it, the lotion I buy, how often I wash my hair (I take a shower everyday but that doesn’t mean I’m always washin’ my hair!), the things I think are funny, the things I want to do on a Saturday, my half broken IronMan watch, my bright blue backpack from my cousin, burping… the pictures I take, the faces I make. WHY am I constantly looking over my shoulder, jumping with fear, with insecurity, wondering, always on the defense, on the edge, frantic, finicky, RETARDED. I used to not give two shits about a damn thing in life and now I look at everything and cringe not knowing. Okay, well not everything (holla for ice cream!), but most things! UGH. (why, WHY?! did Nick Efta piss me off, make me question, make me insecure, leave me pained, deflated, shaky... he didn't, I let him do it. I was so confused about going to Law School or DU or Nepal that when questioned about my doings in life I faltered and let a sniding acquaintance of the guy I was dating at the time, effect me! WHAT THE FUCK. Was he so miserable that he had to tear me down and was I so uncertain about my direction that I let it GET TO ME?! I took no second thoughts about flying to Alaska to be with Zach, and heard nothing but ridicule for days from Nick while Zach was at work, AND I LET IT BOTHER ME. I respected Nick; he was Zach's "best friend" so naturally I thought the best of him, thus his opinon effected me so? When in reality, who is this guy (head extension forward, pushing chin out to the right)? Peace out, march back to Zach, turn around look matter-of-fact and say,

'I'm here for this guy. I don't give a flying fuck about you, I'm Amy Clerget and I'm here to stay. Take it or leave it, but there aint no time for pity parties.'

God I wish I could turn back time. Give myself a little confidence booster. I'm a bad ass and I don't want to do any harm to anyone or parade around... parading. You're a bad ass too! I just wanna be me. And I want you to wanna be you too. Lets all hang out - there's more to life :) lets not pick things apart and criticize! If you choose, it was a pleasure to meet you, continue on, leaving the presence of each other with nothing less than polite regard! I prefer a smile on ones face, but I'm trying to be realistic :)

Anyway, sometimes I can feel the force again in my breath and in my posture, the classic amy ‘take on all’ way of life, but its fleeting moments. But damn those moments feel good. Its like I took a life Claritin - think tv commercials. :) I stare at pictures, or ponder memories, and I feel like a stranger to myself. People have so much faith in me, I have none. Overstatement, I’ve got some :) I’ve got a lot more than I think I do, but I definitely don’t share the optimism the majority of my friends have who I’ve talked to in the last three months. Some though, are sitting right beside me - they’re not saying “no big deal, you’re amy!” they’re just sittin, talking bout life, tellin a new story, I can’t tell you how good that feels. If I said I feel like I’ve got a lot of weight on my shoulders, what I mean is I feel like I’m walking with my head barely above the ground. Which, hey, I’m cool with that idea (as a matter of a fact, I LIKE it that way. BRING IT ON BIG MAMA - the more the merrier), just right now it’s getting the better of me. I usually have got the world in a bear hug and am just draggin it along as I please doing what I like, acting as tough as Terminator all the while maintaining a Vince Vaun stupor and a carefree outlook not unlike a Sesame Street character. If I had to choose, it’d be Elmo. He’s a sweetheart. :) At any rate, who invited doubt to this party my parents created for me January 9, 1985? And why, WHY, am I allowing him to Eeyore the shit out of my every nerve?!

I sit around and I think, where? I feel like I’m grabbing at air but I don’t really believe there will ever be anything there to grasp - I think its a matter of STOPPING to try and grab anything at’all (spoken with a British accent - it just comes out, don’t hate, I’m not lying) and perhaps swimming along doing as one pleases flowing this way and that all the while keepin your eye on the light that so drives you knowing that its not getting to the light as a reason to wake up in the morning but never losing sight because IT is what you want, what you stand for, the very thing that makes you, you. :)