This could fall on my shoulders and I may look past it years from now and regret how I handled the situation, but like all other times in my life when I didn't know what to do or where to go, I took what I knew at the time, made the best decision I could based off that information, and powered forward. It doesn't hurt to check in now and again to reevaluate where you are and make sure you're on the path you intend to be and can be proud of, but at a certain point, when you're just getting started, sometimes you just have to pick up your bags and go - because the alternative, staying still, in the moment, in the head-space, is more dangerous and detrimental than the move. I have always felt that if you weren't moving forward you were moving backward, and any direction is better than no direction.
Or, as my cousin once told me, always have a plan. It doesn't matter if you stick to the plan, but you always have to have a plan.
Because if you don't, you're going to get left behind. And I'm not talking about racing the world, society or anyone or anything else. I'm talking about yourself. You owe it to yourself to grow, to develop, to change, to pursue a direction. Of any kind. Just move. Move! If you sit, you will become complacent. Side note: I do believe that you can be content and at peace. You don't have to be restless and carefree. We can break this down to moving mentally and emotionally while staying in place. Our brains and our souls need to grow. We must experience and stretch, be tested and feel trials. It's the only way to go. We owe it to our ever-learning selves to do it.
Stay curious. Keep breathing. Keep thinking, analyzing, objecting, giving in, loving. Challenging. The world goes on and we must move with it. It may be painful but again, it's the only way!
I find myself in a place where I can no longer stand to stay where I am at. I knew this was coming a long time ago because there way no way for me to maintain a healthy lifestyle and stay where I was at. I have spent weeks and months widdling away restful, peaceful hours trying to determine which direction to go. How. And why. And if it was okay. Seeking permission from the Universe to progress in the direction I felt drawn to. Challenging my thoughts and having honest conversations if this is the path that's best to take. You know what I found out? I don't know. I don't. I don't have the slightest clue that I'm doing the right thing, but like I said it's something. And all the other scenarios I have been trying on for size, have still brought me back to this place. So, don't ignore a blatant answer when it lies before you. If you keep ending up at the beginning of a path no matter how hard you object to it, you should probably go down that path. You can probably rest assured that's the path you're meant to travel. So, get to it. Start going. And if it changes, well then it does. But at least we have a forward motion!
Freak not. I am in love. With many things. My job, my man, my home. This place. This is good stuff. I have great friends and I am thankful for every day that I wake. It's funny, because knowing my past, you'd probably think that I'm on my way to South Africa or something. I'm not going anywhere. This time, I'm staying and I'm powering through with my self. My SELF. No longer am I going to skip around with my head turned from my history. I am who I am, and I am a fucking adult and I'm ready to get on with being Amy Clerget. My own Amy, dammit. Hear me roar? It sounds a little like that as I write. But what the hell, so be it. I don't roar and I don't scream and hardly a single fucking soul knows what I am talking about. But I'm 30 years old, I like to drink whiskey, dance until I can't feel my feet, buy too expensive shoes or pants that make me feel sexy, and have my mans hands on my body in the early morning when we're sneaking away our own moment from the world.
And there is nothing fucking wrong with that. In fact, a lot of people love me for it. It's time to remember those people more and the others less.
This is much easier said than done, but perhaps if I write it over and over and put it on the blog that's followed me so many places, maybe it will sink in. Heck, I already feel better! The way I see it, we can either continue to live in the past and fester in it's troubles, or we can accept them and move on. MOVE ON. With the world. There is so much life ahead, why spend the precious time you are given looking in the rear view mirror, or over your shoulder? Or with one eye open? OWN IT. As my dear friend Katy Hertel claims, OWN IT.
So, I boldly (and perhaps foolishly) claim, HERE I GO! This is how we all learn life lessons, yea? By living them! I am here to rise above and be my damn, capable, successful, adult self and say I don't give a rats ass about how you try to peg me, push me, place me, treat me. I can tell you how I feel and I don't have to play the game because I'm obligated to - because that's what children do, because it's about respect and that's not how it works here <anger, anger, fear, yelling, shame, SHAME SHAME SHAME>. Enough with the shame. It's time to be proud.
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