It's all happening

I will never forget this salted caramel hot chocolate. This day. My grandpa. The man who held the family together. Who worked so hard and knew so much. My gram. This birthday. The way I want to live my life with purpose. And make something of myself. Of my family. I want nothing more than to be near them now.
More than anything. Nothing else will suffice. I dont even want to tell people my grandpa passed away because he is so much more than that. How do I begin to explain? I can't. He wasnt just a grandpa, he was everything. WAS. What am I saying? I don't want to say it happened because they will say they are sorry and I will just want to hit them because they don't understand. I don't want to hit you. How could you? He was the man. More than the man. I'm numb. Dang it all. He was great. So great.

We are a lot closer of a family than I realized. Calls don't stop and no one has much of anything to say but lite of I love you's and I'm sorrys and sighs/tears. What I would give to be with any of them, all of them. We all need a big fat hug that lasts all day. Warm embraces of mutual understanding, forgiveness and comfort. No words can say.

Most the pain comes from the realization but so much crashes in when I think of my Gram. And my Dad. And my cousins pseudo siblings Doug and Melinda. And Danny. Their relationships with gramps is ripping their hearts right now. I've never heard my gram like that. And she's so strong. I could hardly stand to listen to her voice and we maybe exchanged a few words. Mostly mumbling and shaky voices.

What grandpa flies for fun and takes his grand kids in the plane to go get
Clam Chowder from his favorite place? And flies you over an old nuclear plant on the way? Who shows you up skiing on Scorpion skis doing 360s with Gram? What gram and gramp navigate the Yukon on their own, complete with close firearm encounters of "indigenous people"? What single Dad raises six kids? Creates jobs? Puts his grand kids through college? All 12 of us if we wanted. Who?

Gramps, you are the greatest.