houston. we have a problem.

“But really, what is normal? This trip has opened my eyes to so many amazing, unbelievable and breathtaking things that I will never be the same. I don’t know when I will fill these pages with ink again, and I do not know where I will be when I do so, but I can not wait for it whenever and wherever it may be. This life is a beautiful one, and a much smarter man than I once said, “When we have seen Reality, there is not a grain of dust which has not a sublime meaning.”
Until then…”

.... IF blogger allowed me, or if I could figure out how, to reblog, this is one I would have done in an instant. Please excuse me for the copy/paste combo and give all credit to Tyler Knott Gregson.
While the preceding words hit home I can't say that I wrote them - how very glad I am that HE did. I don't know guys, you never think that it works out this way and I've spent everyday since March 13 TRYING, desperately TRYING, to get a grasp on what IS. My perception of everything hasn't necessarily CHANGED but I have absolutely NO idea what to do with myself. Now that I know, now that I've been, that I've seen, that I've FELT, I don't want .... no, let me rephrase that, I CAN'T, I physically CANNOT do anything less. But its left me with doing absolutely nothing. How very funny - I want to do it ALL, I want to do big things I want to act I want to probe I want to motivate I want to LIVE I want to enjoy I want to help and yet, I've done nothing.
Nothing.
And still, nothing. Sometimes I wish I never would have gone. And sometimes I wonder if its just me, but then, I read this, what Tyler has written so long ago, and I realize what I feel is very real. There are millions of NZ visitors returning to their homes continuing life, now and then bringing out the photo album to share when family asks how their vacation was. VACATION!? Hahahahaha. I WISH it felt that way! :) SO MUCH MORE THAN A VACATION!!! I realize that many people whom I haven't talked to (and really I haven't shared this with anyone as I've been trying to sort it out in my own GD head for the last seven months) that understand. I'm sorry. I'm guessing no one takes a second fleeting thought about the trip because to them, it falls under the category of a Mexican vacation, or a sweet Caribbean cruise... to me? Nothing of the sort! Not even in the slightest except that I took a plane to both places! It was so much more than that! SO MUCH MORE. I can't tell you! I feel silly so silly saying that, but its true! What happened to a girl wandering the roads of New Zealand on her own, exploring every nook and cranny that beckoned her interest... SHIT. That's how I feel about it. SHIT. You guys, its not TRAVELING that I so enjoy. No. I have no desire to see all ends of the earth, to do all that there is to do, to visit the wonders of the world... those are all wonderful things, but they are no source of motivation. Not for me. I am not an aimless wanderer seeking to find the next opportunity that allows me to travel to a new place and move on again in 8-10 months. I LOVE the adventure, but it has nothing to do with traveling. And I mean that.
So many opportunities surround us here, so many job openings and places of employment but the thought of working like that, of doing that everyday, that same thing where you make accomplishments and you achieve your weekly goals and keep the ball rolling and make your paycheck... makes me want to hurl. Not in the snooty valley girl sense of "oh my god, work? ew." But in that I really feel like its not fair. I want to TOUCH ALL ENDS OF THE EARTH. I want to be a voice. I want to be a voice. And sitting, working, doing one thing....
Hmmm foggy. Uncharted waters. I don't want to say too much because I'm not exactly honed in and I have a tendency to get over-excited and say things I don't mean.
The long and the short of it is, I can't stand it. I want to be more. I want to do more. I want to be a part of something big. And if not a soul on this earth ever hears about it, that's just okay with me. This isn't about fame or importance or recognition, heavens no. Even writing about it here is a bit of overkill for me, but I've been thinking about it NON STOP and I had to try something. I've been told "I hope you can be content"... and I've long tossed and turned and you know, I do too. But, I won't settle. A sin of itself to ignore what it is that burns inside you and to fight yourself to go another direction. Does everyone feel this way?