God's Waiting Room

Adam's Mom has signed us up for these daily email meditations since the beginning of the year, and while I don't do the greatest job at reading them EVERY day, I always make time to catch up and reflect on the teachings. They come from an enlightened Franciscan (my favorite Saint, as it is Jeanne's, Abo's Mom) and focus on mysticism and alternate spiritual unity with God and an enlightened self. It's FANTASTIC. It's this mix of eastern religions that I have been fondly reading about and working to incorporate them into my self, with a foundation of Christianity/Catholicism that we have all been brought up on! I love it.

Today in particular. 

Yesterday was rough. There is so much goodness in my life happening all at once, and yet, so much pain working its way through me as well. The two are battling it out for territory right now. It's as though the pain had made its nest within me, and I was slowly working on chipping it away, but now, with all this new found goodness, its like a dam has broke loose, the good is flooding my body forcing the nasty OUT. Move along! Get out! And it's coming out of me in a hurry. Well, its trying. And this is where it gets hard. Because my "levy" hasn't completely shattered because I am oh so scared. Of what?! Scared to let all that go and get on with it? Yea guys, I am. Because for the first time in my life I decided to make commitments I had been told were good to make all along. Settle down, be content, stay in one place, have a job for a while - yadda, yadda. Okay, I listened. And I did. 

AND THEN I GOT SHOT IN THE FACE. Twice.

Which should make the flooding of the evil easier, but unfortunately it's not. Because that means I have to relive it all over again and feel all that pain, ALL OVER AGAIN. Imagine falling through, being drug through, a cave of protruding broken glass shards, rusted nails, twisted metal shavings and the occasional hot iron hand that reaches out slaps your back and stays there for a while. And then rips my eyes out. That's what it feels like I'm going to have to go through.

Which I will fiercely do. But when you're 15 minutes away of your staff arriving for a training, it becomes real inconvenient timing to be reliving. 

And then, I read my email, and my heart melts and FILLS with all that goodness I referred to above. 

Stage Six: I am empty and powerless. Tuesday, February 4, 2014 Alcoholics Anonymous would call Stage Six the First Step! Stage Six is: I am empty and powerless. Almost any attempt to save yourself by any superior behavior, technique, belonging system, morality, role, strong ideological belief, or religious devotion will not work. It will actually lead to regression. What the saints and mystics say is that some event, struggle, relationship, or suffering in your life has to lead you to the edge of your own resources. There has to be something that you by yourself cannot understand, fix, control, change, or even begin to deal with. It is the raw experience of “I cannot do this.” All you can do at this point is wait and ask and trust. This is where you learn real patience, compassion, and forgiveness. I don’t know how else you learn to forgive other people until you see seventy-times-seven your own brokenness, your own incapacity to love and, in this stage, your inability to do anything about it except throw yourself into the arms of mercy and love (Luke 7:47). This is the darkness of faith, and now you can trust that this darkness is a much better teacher than supposed certainty or rightness. God is about to become very real. Some even call this “God’s Waiting Room!”

I AM SO DAMN LUCKY. 

I am beyond blessed. Even to just have this medium to work out what's going on inside me, I feel fortunate. Having explained my feelings above, I now realize that I don't have to fear it all happening again and that what is in the past, is just that. In. The. Past. 

I was introduced to a...... fire starter, comforter, energizer (yes, apparently they come in a package with hands and feet and everything).... who shook my comfortable life and subconsciously said "NO. This is not what you want. You know it, and I know it. You may be sitting here living each day in and out telling yourself you're doing the right thing, to keep going, this is what it is, it will be alright, but this isn't right FOR YOU. And I am going to do the most amazing job at revealing that to you through yourself, for yourself."

"And it's going to suck. And hurt. BUT, I will be right here for you."

And you my friend, are my person. And I love you more than I ever knew a human being could love another human being for reasons beyond explanation. It is not of this planet and its a feeling I will work to describe and fully explore for the rest of my God given life. 

Thank you, darling. You're my soul speaker. And I love you.