I just pushed purchase on a set of two tickets to New Zealand. For two hundred bucks. That'll never happen again! Last time I purchased tickets with a NZ destination it cost me more than $2,000 and that was..... 5 years ago? Hot damn. Lucky. In every way. I learned that I am a girl that doesn't have the "let me spend your money for you gene". David gave me his credit card info a few days ago to buy the tickets and I have been sitting here for 3 days unable to punch the numbers in. It took him getting on the phone tonight and repeating that it was okay for me to go through with it, before I could hit "purchase".
What am I even saying? Have you jabbed your eyes out yet? There is just something about spending someone else's money that just... HURTS. I can't do it! Guilt and more guilt. It's not fair? They put the time in to earn that, out of their day that could have been spent doing other things and I don't care if they work to pay for fun later in life - then they should be the ones spending it on the fun! Not me! It's not MINE. And is it just me, or is there an empty hollow feeling when your traveling or buying things on someone else's tab? Don't get me wrong, I am absolutely thrilled to be hopping across the pond and exploring a long loved land, but there is something about not using your own hard earned dollar bills that keep it from meaning MORE. Ugh. I'm stoked, but it doesn't have that same pinge as it did the first time I visited. Because the first time I went it was of my own accord after weeks of 100+ hour work weeks in Nome, Alaska. It was my loneliness of days on end far from friends that was allowing me to explore another part of the world. My own hands, heart, soul, mind and head had put in the time in a less appealing environment and I was exploiting every individual right to relish in my hard efforts. And I did. On my own time in my own way. It was my trip and I fucking loved it. I'm an egotistical bastard at times like this. I love the suffering, the sacrifices that one can subject themselves to in order to reap the benefits later on. It's like, how do you win a race if you don't spend countless hours suffering, huffing, puffing, puking on the track beforehand? Don't all those hours and hardships make that damn trophy even more golden and HUGE? You bet it does.
Anyway, the beauty of this story, is that my own heart, mind and soul have brought me down here despite it all, with this man, in this place where I am able to enjoy a ticket to New Zealand for a few days at rock bottom prices. It may not have been my account #'s I was punching into the payment field, but dammit, it is my hands doing the punching, my body that lies in this bed now, alone and far from home after all that's happened and it's my own gumption, pride, and being, that is happy to be here. I've done it. We've done it. WE ARE DOING IT. But, thank you for the tickets, David. I absolutely can't wait. Truly. And I couldn't think of a better place I'd want to spend those last few days in and with you. Thank you. I feel more a part of your life than ever and it's rad.
I will never be someone with the rich husband that shops and plays tennis. I'd be sick with myself in a matter of months. That lifestyle provides no real value to my life - unless I'm kicking ass at tennis and my tournament winnings paid for my latest downtown splurge. Seriously. It just doesn't sound like any FUN to me. I hope my future holds a joint business with my hubby where I may have more time to commit to things like school boards and town council, but yet allows me to contribute in my own way, investing in the future, taking stock in our life. THAT sounds like the perfect, happy kind of life I'd love. Well, that and endless $200 plane tickets to New Zealand. :)
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