I am so annoyed with myself and I knew it all along, how come it took this long to wake up one morning and say "AMY!? WTF?!" I got in my own head and thought about stuff too much. I told myself I was silly for loving to take photographs when they weren't amazing shots, or didn't make sense to anyone else. I got insecure about my inner voice and personal enjoyment and convinced myself to stop. That it didn't make sense. That I was being silly. That there was no value in what I found interesting and fun. That it wasn't the fact I am alone without people like me, but more that people thought I was weird/odd/immature/CRAZY and way too lighthearted. Why is the world full of evil people that you let make you feel bad about yourself? That you want so much to impress you become insecure when they don't approve? And tell yourself it's your fault? People you don't idolize but are you employers and you want so painfully much to do a great job that you try your hardest to impress but it changes you into something you never knew before and you hate all that you represent?
Same goes with writing. And journaling. And a million other silly things I somehow told myself too many times that I was acting a fool and I should stop. Should stop being so excited and giddy and passionate. About cookies, painting a wall, animals, gardens, tea cups, smelly soap, quotes, taking pictures, hot cocoa, calling good friends just for the sake and living silly voicemails in my wake. Writing silly poetry. Scribbling in journals. Dreaming up someday businesses or products. Reading cartoons. Seeing the world through creative, thoughtful eyes full of hope, passion, compassion, inspiration, invigoration... I let go of "TEAM", of being on Life's Team and cheering all your mates on, accepting the bumps, but keeping your eyes on the bigger picture, pushing and pushing to be your greatest. Going on walks, exploring nook and crannies for the sake of curiosity not the self awarded badge that said "I DID IT". Go buy yourself a freaking t-shirt - I don't want to scream to the world that I live it fully and dissect all opportunities. That makes me feel thin, the way I feel now. If you're making a large journey, do it for the journey. Not to tell everyone about it when it's over. That comes as an effect because you are damn proud and excited and we couldn't be more stoked to hear your story! But to do it for the sake of the story? Either you're a travel writer or an ass.
Many thanks to Molly Fry and my iPhone - she's tackling a HUGE goal right now to complete her first half and I am so tickled pink for her. I'm always stoked to hear her progress and cheer her on and that enjoyment has reminded me how much enjoyment it brings, how much fun it is, to root for someone. I miss sending words of encouragement that address the rough times and push you to push through them. To tear through them. That in the end your body, your team, will thank you for it - that it only makes you stronger. This is one epic journey for her and doing it as an adult, as an individual puts me in awe because you are your only support. Truly. She's with herself those hours of the day that she's training and while we can cheer her on from the sidelines when we see her, it's her own head that keeps her going. KEEP IT UP, MOLLY! and as for the iPhone, this morning re: a camera app I read "Everybody has a creative side..." I know, it's simple, but all of the sudden I said "Holy smokes, I've forgotten all about it" and what followed, is this post :)
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